It’s amazing to me how little tidbits of advice can stay with us, oftentimes serving us repeatedly throughout our life. I was reminded of one of those tidbits recently while shopping in our local general store. While perusing the greeting cards I found myself smack in the middle of a spontaneous reunion of old friends. Two elderly gentlemen happened upon one another while shopping and literally parked their carts right beside where I was standing. One of the gentlemen, a kindly sort who was small in stature but certainly sprite in spirit cheerfully asked his friend how he was doing. What happened next was simply amazing to witness. This seemingly benign question had apparently unlocked a series of floodgates which in turn released a hail storm of misery, criticism and overall woefulness that rained down and drenched everyone standing in the aisle including me.
The gentleman who now stood across from me no longer resembled the kind elderly man who had parked his shopping cart beside me only moments before. What was once a bright happy smile had contorted into a scowling grimace, the cheerful face now flushed crimson with anger and disappointment. I watched as the gentlemen’s hands balled up into fists and punctuated the air as he proceeded to share what seemed to be an endless dissertation of perceived family slights along with an exhaustive list of his current health issues. His friend stood motionless as he was virtually pummeled by what seemed to be an endless stream of complaints. All traces of his once cheerful expression had vanished and were now replaced with the wide eyes and fidgety posture of a cornered rabbit whose only thought was escape.
As I stood there quietly taking in this scene I was reminded of the sage advice that I had received decades earlier while attending high school. One day as I entered the main office the school secretary casually asked “how I was doing?” I shrugged and responded, “Okay.” The secretary smiled and then shared that the polite way to respond was to say “I’m fine, thank you.” I distinctly remember thinking how lucky I was to have been gifted with such an important lesson and I made it a point to practice my new response until it came naturally. That impromptu teachable moment continues to serve me to this day.
Looking back I realize that there was a priceless lesson associated with this moment. This random encounter served as an effective reminder of how we often unintentionally forget that there is a time and a place to vent our disappointments and frustrations with others and that’s typically not while parked in the middle of a shopping aisle. It really isn’t fair when you think about it, to completely blindside someone who simply asks “how we are doing?” Perhaps it would be wise to consider that our audience may not be ready to receive our spontaneous blasts of personal frustrations and/or have the time to be fully present and truly listen with a compassionate and respectful ear. And isn’t that exactly what we are looking for in those moments, to be heard? Wouldn’t it be great if we all employed the “ask before you blast” motto. By that I mean to take a moment and consciously check in with our “captive” audience to find out if they truly do have a moment to share and more importantly listen to us. If not, then perhaps they would love to but at a later date. Of course we will never know unless we ask. Just taking that moment to check in extends a basic courtesy that we all deserve.
I often wonder just how different the conversation between those two elderly gentlemen would have been if they had each shared a little story about an area of their life where they felt particularly blessed. I would venture to bet that just about anyone would be open and receptive to spontaneously hearing those kinds of sentiments because we’re in essence spreading sunshine instead of rain. And if you think about it, how many people enjoy being caught in a full on rain storm?
As for me I’m going to stick with the sage advice that I received so many years ago. I’ll continue to respond “I’m fine, thank you” and merrily go about my way. Of course I’ll also make it a point to share a blessing or two every chance I get.
© Lori Blevins and http://todayisyourluckdayblog.wordpress.com, August 27, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Lori Blevins and https://todayisyourluckydayblog.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Categories: Relationships
Todayisyourluckyday Blog 
love your story, however I know someone whom every time I see her and ask her she is she goes on and on about her ailments, she is not that old, now when I see her I just smile and say hi to her and then leave. Sometimes I want to know how some friends are doing and yes I will listen to everything they are saying.
Thanks for checking out my story Lupe! I appreciate your encouragement and support so very much! 😀 Blessings, Lori Blevins
Interestingly, I got a whole different lesson from this incident: to have compassion for our neighbors, and try to put yourself in their shoes. The old man who expressed his laments obviously felt comfortable enough with his friend, and was blessed to have someone receive his truths. Aging is no easy task, and oldsters do often get left out of family conversations and events. And physical calamities so often come all at once, they simply take over one’s life. I think stressing “niceties” can have very negative results in that people are not expressing, and are actually lying. I grew up in the South, and we too always said “I’m fine.” It has taken me years to get my sister to stop doing that, and tell me the truth. She has had a very challenging life, and each time she was able to unload her burdens to someone who cares, there was a change in her entire being. So therapeutic, and it has changed her way of being in the world to a more comfortable resonance. As a health professional, I know the value of listening, and I honor the old man in the store for being bold enough to express to his friend who had an ear for him. I think it is extremely unfair to judge someone based on the “I’m fine” idea. As for me, when I ask someone how they are, I really want to know, warts and all!! Lori, I want you to know this is not a negative response; it is just me expressing my viewpoint. I enjoy your posts.
Hi!
Thank you so much for checking out my blog and for responding to my post, “I’m fine, thank you.” I’m thrilled that you shared your comments and I certainly respect your position. I do think that there is a time and a place to share our “vents” with others and when we do so without consideration of our audience it’s truly not fair to either person. Not everyone is interested and/or ready to receive spontaneous bursts of personal information. I agree that venting can be wonderfully therapeutic it’s just that it needs to be done in a caring atmosphere where the person feels truly heard and respected by the listener which unfortunately was not the case in this particular story. Thanks so much for sharing your viewpoint! Blessings, Lori Blevins 😀
My dad used to correct me and say..People ask how you are, it’s just a question, they don’t really want to know.
Oh, that’s so true! Thanks for taking the time to check out my latest inspirational short story Sinda! I truly appreciate being blessing with the precious gift of your time! Lori Blevins 😀